


hypocrisy of my heart

by intolauren



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Angst, F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-07
Updated: 2018-05-07
Packaged: 2019-05-03 16:43:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,381
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14573226
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/intolauren/pseuds/intolauren
Summary: Kara acts out of anger because anger is easier to deal with than fear, because dealing with fear means dealing with a lot of other feelings. Like love, for instance. Like truth, for another. Like admitting that the truth is, is that she loves Lena.(ORsome post 3x16 and pre 3x17 angst because i don't trust the sg writers to do it properly)





	hypocrisy of my heart

**Author's Note:**

> i wrote half of this right after last week's episode and the other half tonight after the new previews dropped
> 
> the show breaks my heart because it's dumb af and makes no fucking sense anymore. but ANYWAY i'm sorry and you're welcome

Kara acts out of anger. 

Kara acts out of anger when she finds out about Sam, when she finds out about Lena having kryptonite, when she finds out that Lena lied to her about both, because anger makes sense and anger keeps both of Kara’s identities separate, which is something she’s been struggling with more and more lately. 

Kara acts out of anger because the anger is easier to deal with than anything else. It’s easier to deal with than fear, because dealing with fear means dealing with a lot of other feelings. Like love, for instance. Like truth, for another. Like admitting that the truth is, is that she loves Lena. 

But anger is safe. Anger keeps her secret safe.

(Which in itself makes Kara’s stomach twist, because _Rao_ , she’s the biggest goddamn hypocrite in the entire world. The entire _universe_.) 

A few hours later when her anger has subsided into something that feels more like loss than anything else, Kara flies around the city, thinking. 

She tries to tell herself it’s a complete coincidence when she finds herself hovering above L Corp.

She knows Lena’s inside, she can hear her heartbeat, hear her pulse, the sound of her ponytail resting softly between her shoulder blades, the sound of Lena’s favourite wine sliding down her throat. (She knows it’s Lena’s favourite wine, because over the years she’s become so accustomed to every single sound Lena makes, that she knows which wine sounds like which as she swallows them down.) 

Lena’s heart thuds slow and steady in her chest, but occasionally it skips a beat, and it makes Kara anxious because she knows Lena’s upset. She knows Lena is angry and she knows Lena will probably be blaming herself for everything because Lena always does.

Her chest clenches with the desire to go to her. With the desire to tell her. _Everything_. 

But it’s too late now, and Kara knows this without a doubt. There’s no coming back from this, and the realisation hits her like kryptonite, guilt and shame and _loss_ slamming her in the stomach and making her feel so nauseous that she almost forgets that she’s hundreds of feet in the air. 

Kara lets herself consider for the first time that she’s lost the chance to ever be with Lena the way she craves. To ever be able to tell Lena the secret that has been slowly breaking her into pieces for the last two years.

That loss, the loss of Lena, _her Lena_ , her warm and gentle and open and vulnerable and beautiful and wonderful and incredible Lena that Kara would die for in a heartbeat, fits itself right next to all the other losses Kara carries with her everyday. 

And then she cries. 

 

Hours later, Kara goes to see Lena. 

She ties up her hair and puts on her glasses and forces a smile onto her face and tries to pretend she doesn’t look like a liar. It’s harder than normal, hard enough that Kara almost changes her mind and stays home. 

But she misses Lena. She misses Lena as Supergirl and she misses Lena as Kara, and even though she knows she shouldn’t be around her when she’s still feeling so empty about what happened at the DEO, Kara is a sucker for punishment and maybe she thinks that she deserves how much seeing Lena is going to hurt. 

When Lena answers the door at 3 in the morning, because Lena always answers the door to Kara no matter what time it is because Lena is _so good_ , Kara isn’t prepared for just how much it actually hurts. 

Nothing could have prepared her. 

Kara sees everything at once, almost as though it happens in slow motion and in less than a heartbeat at the same time. 

The wine glass in Lena’s hand and the two empty bottles on her counter, the way she leans against the doorframe clumsily, droplets of red liquid spilling over the side of the glass and onto the carpet, Lena’s oversized university sweatshirt hanging off of one shoulder and her long, dark hair pulled over the other haphazardly. 

The pain behind her eyes, red rimmed and glassy.

Her heartbeat is slower now, a result of the alcohol in her bloodstream and the exhaustion that comes after crying for hours. Kara wants to lie down and rest her head against Lena’s heart until the sun comes up. 

“Hey,,” Lena says, and Kara almost sobs at the emptiness in her voice. “What are you doing here?” 

Kara forces words through her teeth. “I missed you! We’ve both been working so much lately and I missed you.” 

She smiles, but she’s sure it doesn’t reach her eyes. Every word Kara says that isn’t the truth, the _real_ truth, tastes like acid in her mouth. 

“It’s 3 in the morning, Kara. And I’m not sure I’m going to be much fun tonight. I’m kind of in the middle of a pity party.” 

Lena holds up her glass in what looks like a toast and shakes it around a little, spilling more onto the carpet, before draining it in three mouthfuls. 

Kara winces as each one slides down her throat. 

“Hey. Talk to me. Tell me what’s wrong,” Kara says, the acid in her mouth threatening to burn her alive. 

_You’re what’s wrong,_ her brain yells. _It’s you. Your fault_. 

Lena laughs, loud and harsh, and the sound of it makes Kara’s chest ache. “Wow, where do I even start?” Lena slurs, half of her words rolling into one. “I think I just lost one of my only friends. Which really, I knew would happen eventually. Because I lose everyone I love in the end.” 

She shrugs, and then she smiles, but there’s nothing in it. Nothing at all. 

Kryptonite hurts less than seeing Lena like this.

Kara fights back tears. “Lena…” she starts, softly, stepping forward to make her way into Lena’s apartment. 

She wants to clear up the mess in Lena’s kitchen. She wants to make Lena some tea and help her into her favourite pyjamas. She wants to tuck Lena into bed and sit by her all night, stroking her hair and whispering how much she loves her into the darkness. It’s become protocol now, for those days where Lena drinks too much and her sadness is too much to bear. 

In another life, that’s exactly what happens. 

In another life, Lena tells Kara that she loves her too. 

But not in this one. Not tonight. Tonight, Lena just stands up straight and blocks Kara’s way before she can step over the threshold.

“You should probably go, actually. There’s nothing you can do for me here, Kara,” Lena says, fumbling, shoving her hand against Kara’s shoulder. 

Kara lets it stop her, because when Lena’s warm fingers catch the skin of her neck, everything she’s fighting back almost suffocates her and she almost tells Lena everything. 

When their eyes meet, Kara tries to tell her with her gaze because she’s too weak to tell her with words. 

Lena understands everything, she always does. 

But not this. 

She isn’t going to understand this because nothing at all about it makes sense. 

“Lena, I-“

“No, don’t. There’s nothing you can say to make this better. Because you don’t get it. You don’t get it because I know _you’d_ never keep a secret that could ruin a friendship like this, like I have, because you’re too good. You’re far too good. _Far_ too good for someone like me,” Lena says, and Kara almost chokes on a sob at the tears she sees in Lena’s eyes. “So just go, Kara. Please.”

Kara tries to speak, because Lena’s wrong, Lena’s never been more wrong about anything in her entire life, but guilt has wrapped itself so tightly around Kara’s throat that when she opens her mouth, nothing comes out.

Lena interrupts Kara’s silence anyway. “Go. I just want to be alone.” 

When the door closes in Kara’s face, she doesn’t even flinch. 

The sound of the lock sliding into place echoes loudly in the hallway, and it sounds like so much more than just metal into wood. 

It sounds like I miss you. It sounds like I love you. 

It sounds like goodbye. 

And Kara knows she deserves it.

**Author's Note:**

> please let me know what you think!! <3


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